Friday, November 20, 2009

Its been awhile

I guess this post is just complaining and questioning everything that is going on up in the noggin.

First, there is this boy. He doesn't live in bg. he goes to a different college. So I don't get to see him very often. So, this weekend he told me he was going to be here on Friday, but i already was thinking about going home. Of course, i change my plans and stay here...even though all of my friends are at home. Everyone. So that's why i am writing. But anyways, its Friday night. Where is he? at a private party. I don't even know if he will stop by. All i wanted was to see his face and to hear his voice. I guess it was too much to ask. I have never had such a challenge to get a boy to talk to me. One that knows me too. It sucks so bad to not know what exactly is going thru his head. He knows I have an interest in him. Why cant he just tell me what he wants? I am already having a rough time as it is. If he is just going to let me down, then hopefully he does it soon. I feel like he isn't interested but according to what he has said to me before it could be the opposite. I have no idea and this is the part that kills. And not getting to see him all the time. I just want a smile and to be told. Maybe thats all i deserve.

Next, my mom. I have never been on good terms with this woman. She gives up her children for drugs and alcohol. You see why I am not on good terms. But lately I have missed her. I dont exactly know why either. I blew her off last time she called me. Which was 3 months ago. I feel so guilty that I did too. I just wanna talk to her. Find out if she is okay and if things are getting better. I realized that I want to be there. I want to be a part of her live. Everyone has made bad decisions. Everyone deserves a second chance. Thats why I want to help. I want to be her support system. I want her to know that her kids still love her. Cuz we do. I do. I love my mom.

BG is great. I have wonderful friends. Currently one of my good ones grandma just died. it was really sad cuz she was suppose to okay. I didnt know what to say. I stumble because I feared of saying something that might upset her. The thing was I told her that i was here for her and if she needed a shoulder or anyone to talk to that i was here. But instead she tells random ppl on our floor what happened and I had no idea what was going on with her. I feel like I shouldnt be upset about it, but I am. It might be jealousy. It probably is and i wouldnt be surprised if it was. Other than that. Social life is going okay.

School work. everything seems to be balanced. which is awesome. but i dont have a job and i actually have time to do my hw. I am worried that if i thru a job in my schedule it will mess everything up. Oh well. I will adjust. My stupid marine biology class is a pain in my ass. there is so much information and the final exam is comprehensive...without notes. i dont know squat. damn. sucks. Oh my paper for english..3 hours in a writing lab and I still didnt pass it. I am not a good writer.

FamilyI miss them. alot. Especially my lil bro Ronnie that I have always fought with. I am so proud of the accomplishments that he has done. i miss ashley. i need her. step-sister haley has become a drug addict and an alcoholic from wat i heard. I think I created it. When i use to come home drunk or high...i showed her it was ok. She is becoming a little me. I am going to talk to her when I get back. I have to stop it. I feel like its my fault.

Oh well. as goes on.

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