Its been awhile

I guess this post is just complaining and questioning everything that is going on up in the noggin.

First, there is this boy. He doesn't live in bg. he goes to a different college. So I don't get to see him very often. So, this weekend he told me he was going to be here on Friday, but i already was thinking about going home. Of course, i change my plans and stay here...even though all of my friends are at home. Everyone. So that's why i am writing. But anyways, its Friday night. Where is he? at a private party. I don't even know if he will stop by. All i wanted was to see his face and to hear his voice. I guess it was too much to ask. I have never had such a challenge to get a boy to talk to me. One that knows me too. It sucks so bad to not know what exactly is going thru his head. He knows I have an interest in him. Why cant he just tell me what he wants? I am already having a rough time as it is. If he is just going to let me down, then hopefully he does it soon. I feel like he isn't interested but according to what he has said to me before it could be the opposite. I have no idea and this is the part that kills. And not getting to see him all the time. I just want a smile and to be told. Maybe thats all i deserve.

Next, my mom. I have never been on good terms with this woman. She gives up her children for drugs and alcohol. You see why I am not on good terms. But lately I have missed her. I dont exactly know why either. I blew her off last time she called me. Which was 3 months ago. I feel so guilty that I did too. I just wanna talk to her. Find out if she is okay and if things are getting better. I realized that I want to be there. I want to be a part of her live. Everyone has made bad decisions. Everyone deserves a second chance. Thats why I want to help. I want to be her support system. I want her to know that her kids still love her. Cuz we do. I do. I love my mom.

BG is great. I have wonderful friends. Currently one of my good ones grandma just died. it was really sad cuz she was suppose to okay. I didnt know what to say. I stumble because I feared of saying something that might upset her. The thing was I told her that i was here for her and if she needed a shoulder or anyone to talk to that i was here. But instead she tells random ppl on our floor what happened and I had no idea what was going on with her. I feel like I shouldnt be upset about it, but I am. It might be jealousy. It probably is and i wouldnt be surprised if it was. Other than that. Social life is going okay.

School work. everything seems to be balanced. which is awesome. but i dont have a job and i actually have time to do my hw. I am worried that if i thru a job in my schedule it will mess everything up. Oh well. I will adjust. My stupid marine biology class is a pain in my ass. there is so much information and the final exam is comprehensive...without notes. i dont know squat. damn. sucks. Oh my paper for english..3 hours in a writing lab and I still didnt pass it. I am not a good writer.

FamilyI miss them. alot. Especially my lil bro Ronnie that I have always fought with. I am so proud of the accomplishments that he has done. i miss ashley. i need her. step-sister haley has become a drug addict and an alcoholic from wat i heard. I think I created it. When i use to come home drunk or high...i showed her it was ok. She is becoming a little me. I am going to talk to her when I get back. I have to stop it. I feel like its my fault.

Oh well. as always...life goes on.

wtf

what happened. it seems like everything from the past is changing and my tolerance level is dropping. sucks. i'm here, they are there. so why am i so bothered by it? i can answer my own question. but its never going to be the same.

mhm

So today, I had a realization. Maybe math is not for me. I always enjoyed it but the feeling that i might have found something better scares me. I was very closed minded on what i wanted to do with my life, even where i wanted to go to college.Then I ended up somewhere I really didnt want to be and loved it...so idk. socialogy vs. math ed....what else could be more troubling. no wait. guys. guys are complicated. simplier than girls, but still complicated. all I have to say is...glad to be ur #3.

I got sucked into this

So, yet another day wasted by One Tree Hill. So, addicting. damn drama. anyways, I was inspired by kellex and alex to get one of these. Keeping up with my friends daily lifes is what I do. Cuz I miss them oh so dearly. The weekend was great. Ohio Northern was so much fun. I learned some lessons, gained more friends and a shit load of inside jokes. I never knew college would be so much fun. I never knew BG could be this much fun. I remember when this was my last resort...i was just so closed minded on what I wanted to do, who i wanted to be with, and how i wanted to spend the rest of my life. I learn now that I should give everything a chance, who is to stop me. no one but myself.